I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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