I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
