Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
