god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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