she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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