Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
