a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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