I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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