Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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