my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
