I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
