Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
