If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
