I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
