I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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