If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
