I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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