I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
