My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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