I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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