dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My hand turned me down
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Mom said you looked used
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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