His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
