you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
