We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The air taste purple.
Randomize
