it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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