Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
