Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
