no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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