In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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