Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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