You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
