you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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