Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
