The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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