mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So many bounce houses so little time
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
