Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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