At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Drunk is a universal language darling
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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