4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
