When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
