A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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