Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
