My liver just broke up with me...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The feeling are messing with the penis
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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