I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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