i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
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