Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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