I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
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