Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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