Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
