1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
