Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
