I'm sorry my penis didn't work
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
