I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
